How Absurd Was Make It or Break It‘s Premiere?

Make It or Break It returned last night and it was wonderfully ridiculous!

"WOO! We're back!" Photo: ABC Family

But just how ridiculous? Well I’ll be the judge of that! Using a scale of BRONZE to GOLDGOLD being real as the tears on Teen Mom and BRONZE being as fake as the lion in Jumangi. Here we go!

The new opening credits are shorter. But not as funny. Where’s the slow motion running? And Kayley missing the bar? SILVER.

Lauren brings a cappuccino machine with her to the USATC. Of course she did. However, it’s supposed to be the most superfluous and unnecessary thing Lauren brings. This is Lauren! Where’s her personal styling team? Where’s her Apple TV? Just sayin. SILVER.

Payson’s mom didn’t come up with her to drop her off at the USATC. WTF?! BRONZE.

Sasha tries to defend the Rock girls despite the new coach’s valid concerns with their lackluster stats and performances. Of course! Sasha would take a bullet for those girls! GOLD.

Sasha has started slicking his hair back. On the one hand, he’s allowed to change his appearance. On the other hand, it makes him look like Draco Malfoy’s poorly dressed brother. Does Sasha seem like the kind of guy who primps? SILVER.

Jordan Randall hitchhikes to the USATC like Rogue in XMen. She’s also supposed to be an orphan who happens to be the best gymnast ever. Really MIOBI? BRONZE.

The girls have a ridiculous photo shoot with their parents. Which wouldn’t be too odd — parents do stuff like this — except for the fact that there were sepia colored freeze frames on screen. Really? BRONZE.

Kayley and Austin are all hugged up and in love throughout the episode. He even hangs out with the parents! Totally believeable. After all, he confessed his love for her in Rio. GOLD. 

“What are you, Amish? Who writes letters?” GOLD.

Lauren’s dad is trying to get her a perfume line to sell on QVC. And the prototype smells like crap winner. This is absurd. Not the smelling like crap part — that makes sense. The part where I’m supposed to believe QVC wants anything to do with Lauren. SILVER.

Jordan Randall tries to talk her way into an invitation only team. Coach tells her to leave. And rightfully so! GOLD.

Lauren snags Max’s letter and gives it to Payson only after reading it. This is Lauren. So I expect nothing less. GOLD.

The wrestlers steal Otis in broad daylight because the one security guard at the USATC is distracted by a poorly perpetrated lie. Is this the best security they have in this place? BRONZE.

Wendy is a junior and annoying. Did I mention her favorite color is purple? And the Rock girls hate her? A realistic representation of a fifteen year old Payson Keeler, no? SILVER.

Lauren faints in practice. Turns out she’s hypoglycemic. Poor Lauren! GOLD.

Photo: ABC Family

Jordan Randall sneaks into the USATC practice facility, “borrows” the coach’s camera and films herself doing a routine after spying on the Rock girls playing around. What is with the security here?! BRONZE.

Photo: ABC Family

The Rock girls take turns standing on the blocks, imagining all gold at the London Olympics. Silly? Yes. Would I do it if I had the chance? Double yes. And I’m not even a gymnast. GOLD.

Jordan Randall is camping on the lawn of the USATC training facility. No one calls security. She magically fits a tent and several grungy outfits in two duffel bags. She has a pet rabbit. And she carries books everywhere she goes. BRONZE. BRONZE. BRONZE.

Max dumps Payson. It affects her beam routine. GOLD.

Max has hooked up with everyone in the room. Including Austin. SILVER.

Everyone except Kayley. GOLD.

Lauren does a series of flips against a concrete wall that looked worst than the special effects in Twilight. BRONZE.

Lauren faints after said flips because she may be hypoglycemic, but she’s still keeping it a secret. SILVER.

Jordan Randall crashes a training session. (Insert angry eye rolls from elite gymnasts here) How did she get in? How has no one called security yet? BRONZE.

Kayley thought Jordan was her friend. This seems believable because Kayley is gullible. But it’s silly because we all know  –that aside from the Rock girls who backstab her — Kayley doesn’t have any friends! SILVER.

Jordan Randall says she will leave, “smoke on the table.” I don’t know what that means. But I believe her. GOLD.

Jordan’s video features several different camera angles, cuts and close-ups. But she had the camera on a tripod. What? BRONZE.

Jordan is invited to the team after the coach watches her video. Say what? BRONZE.

The Rock girls are forced to burn their jackets. I’m all for learning to be independent, but those jackets cost money! Get your life coach! SILVER.

An entire episode goes by without a mention of Emily. They were such close friends! But she was the whiniest girl who ever lived! They’re probably so happy to see her gone. I am! GOLD.

What did you think about Make It or Break It‘s return? Was the episode gold, silver or bronze? Sound off in the comments!

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Filed under Gymnasties, Let's Ponder, Recap

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