Secret Circle How To: Choke BFs and Escape Boxes

I’ve been watching my favorite new show, The Secret Circle, and learning all kinds of new things from Chance Harbour’s Cassie Blake. She showed me how to set a man on fire and how to close windows with your mind. And in the latest episode Cassie taught me two new things: How to strangle a boyfriend and how to escape a wooden box.

If your ex-bf –who helped people try to kill you –ever sneaks into your home at night and tells you you’re satan, you’re going to need to choke him. Step 1: Make this angry, borderline psychotic face:

Tears in your eyes really sell this shiz. Trust Cassie, she knows. Next you’re going to need to summon your dark magic powers and push him away. Before you know it, this is happening:

GIRL, YOU’RE CHOKING HIM WORSE THAN DARTH VADER. If you really want to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget, you’re going to need to kick it up a notch. Like so:

Yup, he’s sorry now. Not only because he’s dying, but also because blood tastes TERRIBLE! And just like that, you’ve choked your bf and simultaneously proved his point. [*Note: If it turns out that he was never there and it was just a dream, you can practice in real life when someone–who’s love for you is written in the stars—betrays your trust.

PHOTO: Small Screen Scoop

See? Still works!]

Cassie also showed us How to: Break out of a coffin. It’s simple really. If a friend’s nana comes into town and offers to “purge” you of your evil, be on your guard. She just might create a ceremony to murder you.

NBD. Just follow these tips to escape her evil death box of doom! Step 1: Freak the F#@k OUT!

(Screencaps from this show are always so dark. But trust me, she’s screaming like whoa!)

Step 2: Calm the F#@k down!

Deep calming breaths really make this easy. Yes, you’re in a box. Yeah, dirt is falling on your face. Sure, there may be a knife in the box, but you need to chill. Step 3: Make a really creepy head turn like so:

Scary, no? Now for Step 4: grab a fistful of dirt. But really dramatically.

Now, Step 5: Scream your demands to the universe and flip out using your evil dark magic powers, which that old witch never really “purged” from your body. And this will happen:

FREEDOM! WHAT NOW EVIL WITCH NANA?!

Then you just crawl out like the undead. See how simple that was? Anything can be made easy with dark magic. But always follow Cassie Blake’s simple How To Steps to make it safe.

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Filed under It's Written in the Stars Yo, Recap

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